My grandmother who speaks 10 words of English called me this morning from her cellphone just to say hi. I wish she lived near me. She then gave it to my 2 year old cousin who was very happy to talk with me on the phone and told me all about his morning. Even though he’s little, he sure knows how to put me in my place, speaking way more malayalam than I know what to do with. No one ever randomly calls anymore. “Why are you calling, anything wrong?” “Nope, just wanted to say hi” I miss having this conversation. Yeah, it’s nice to get a random text…But you know what, taking the time to call trumps taking the time to hit send.
I’ll have three jobs this semester. None of them have actually started (nor the semester) but I’m already exhausted. Time has become my most valuable asset. Spending the majority of tonight’s dinner talking about things from a previous night was the most wasteful spending I’ve done my whole career in graduate school. Seriously. I was seething in anger at this monotonous conversation, this conversation that somehow finds it self repeated every time the few of us get together. I don’t want to laugh, I don’t want to congratulate you. I want to talk about meaningful things, topics that actually engage me and lead to further discussion. Aren’t we a little old to be doing this? To be high-fiving each other for the inability to remember the previous night because of a serious lack in self-control and discipline. How can I convey how much my frustration mounts at the “I don’t remember anything after _____” or “Well, that’s what I call a fun night!” So you’re fun night is me having to reiterate all of the useless, idiotic, disgusting things you did throughout the night that you’re incapable of remembering on your own? You’re fun night is reducing yourself to a state worse than infancy, needing to be taken care of by someone who isn’t your family member? I’m not laughing with you, I’m not even laughing at you anymore. I am deeply saddened to be in your company.
Tomorrow is my first day being a TA, but I won’t start teaching until next Monday. Even though I am incredibly blessed to be selected to teach a class next semester at school, that feeling that I’m lagging behind everyone else remains dominant on my mind. Am I missing out on something that everyone else has managed to figure out? No one needs to tell me what to do. Pro-activity will be my unwilling friend this fall.
Does anyone else feel as if they live life pretty mediocre and unspectacular? My life is a series of pretty blah moments stringed together by constant attention towards grad school, family, friends, and spiritual life. Randomly had a conversation with someone from my past and was completely blown away by the memories this person had of me. We did the same things together, yet how it was recorded in our heads for later recollection was night and day. Things I remembered as insignificant were memories that created a lasting impression for them. Did I really have that effect on them? To make them a better person and to give them the courage to be them self and break out of their shell? Talk about ultimate flattery… But cheese and rice man, why couldn’t I do that for myself!